“In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
- Octavia Butler, Parable of the Talents
Ever since my first book & anthology I edited, A PHOENIX FIRST MUST BURN: 16 stories of black girl magic, resistance, and hope—I’ve shared this quote this many times. It along with “you are your best thing,” which comes from Morrison’s Beloved, have been quotes I have returned to a lot, especially over the last couple of years.
My publisher recently asked me to speak to some librarians about what inspired my debut (sapphic! romantic! vampire!) novel, out 4.1.25—WHERE SHADOWS MEET. For other asks, I’ve talked about growing up closeted, coming out, and my lifelong love of vampires, but for this, I knew exactly what I needed to talk about. The one thing I haven’t publicly yet. The chronic pain and illnesses I’ve faced since summer 2022 and why it was so important for me to write all of me into my debut.
I have multiple sclerosis and endometriosis.
It is part of why my debut sold in 2020 was moved back multiple times and is publishing in 2025 for real this time lol (& truly don’t feel bad if you have checked in about it, those messages in part kept me returning to it, after setback after setback in which I thought, maybe I should just stop). It is why there have been periods where I’ve been absent from social media or slow to respond to a text in a way I normally am not—I have limited energy these days, and I try to spend most of it grounding me in the present, offline, and with my phone down.
If there was a spell that would undo it, I’d take it. But also, I am the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been1 ❤️
So, I’m sharing my MS and endo and chronic pain life journeys in this newsletter that’ll serve as a kick-off of sorts to the new era of my newsletter (& in many ways, my life). I feel so grateful to have reached a place where I can share this publicly, so it’ll reach who needs it, much like stories of similar journeys reached me when I needed them most ❤️
TWs: suicidal ideation, mention of abuse, body shaming, and a whole bunch of medical mess + pictures in which you can see IVs
my multiple sclerosis journey.
I was diagnosed with MS in June 2022. One day, I was driving down to see my dad and I felt like I had something in my eye. By the time I got there, a few hours later, I realized there was nothing in my eye—it was that I didn’t have vision in a large part of my eye and my eyes were in pain.
I went from doctor to doctor, ER to ER, leading to a diagnosis of optic neuritis. I spent five days in a neurological wing of a hospital, surrounded by patients who had “more serious” conditions, cared for by staff who saw me as easy, and so they were too MIA. I had to complain to hospital admin (thank you nurse mom) in order to receive better care. It would become the first of many times advocating for myself over the years.
Those five days in the hospital, led to an MS diagnosis that everyone was afraid to say to my face and so I figured it out myself (like, in the time that they were unwilling to share anything with me, I’d gotten even more worried so I went gone into my health chart and googled every test I didn’t even realize they had run and since they’ve come back negative, more research has already told me what they wouldn’t). I was sleep deprived while also working out every day in the hospital for fear of my body would “fail me” (I had to actively unlearn a lot of ableist thoughts and ideas that I didn’t realize I had learned…things I’d never say to someone else, but kept saying to myself in a way that really hampered my healing). I was told multiple times that I was lucky to have it discovered so young, but at 29, when I felt like I just reached financial stability, had just started dating again (I’d meet my girlfriend a few months later) v and making new friends in the city I’d moved to…had just started really living my life, I didn’t feel lucky at all.
I still don’t feel lucky, but I’ve made my peace and I’m happy to be where I’m at.
Now, I get Ocrevus infusions every six months to ensure my symptoms don’t get worse, and MRIs yearly to make sure there’s been no increases of the lesions in my spine and brain. I see a neurologist multiple times a year, a queer psychiatrist and a qtpoc therapist for my mental health, and have an amazing woc PCP as well as a black woman gynecologist who all understand my MS, the other health issues it might cause, while also making sure my preventive healthcare is where it needs to be.
I have days where I have all my spoons and feel “like before,” and then I have days where I can barely turn a door knob or have migraines that lead me unable to focus on anything else until eventually I just go to bed early or I wake up with my legs numb and I have to ease myself out of the bed and just showering takes all my energy.
I’ve had to learn to stop faking normalcy, as it ultimately only hurts me.
Endometriosis.
I started my period at age 10.
I’ve had heavy periods ever since.
I thought they were normal/I was told so by many medical professionals, so I did what so many do…I sucked it up and got a healthy collection of soothing, herbal pads, scented and unscented heating pads, and a plethora of OTC paid meds...that got me through the day long enough to work/hang out with friends/life until I crashed in bed and did it all over again.
One day, I opened up to my grandma about it, she had uterine cancer—the first signs of which were missed by her doctor—and she told me to get it checked out asap. Turns out that, almost all the women on her side, including her, had heavy periods and serious fibroids which culminated in hysterectomies. So, after 10 years of not seeing a gynecologist—because the last one left me with such a terrible, homophobic experience—I kept searching and didn’t give up until I found an amazing black woman gynecologist, Dr. Sierra Fisher of Legacy Women’s Health (because she deserves all her flowers) who acknowledged that I likely have a higher pain tolerance, but that doesn’t mean that my issues are any less serious.
Apparently, going through as many super tampons as I do in a day, on my period, isn’t normal. In fact, your period and ovulating shouldn’t cause you a lot of pain at all. She told me was pretty certain that I had endometriosis.
That was harder than finding out I had MS. I got diagnosed with CPTSD shortly after endo—I’ll talk about this more another time, but for now, I recommend reading WHAT MY BONES KNOW by Stephanie Foo, which aided in my physical and mental healing. Never have I read a book and felt like I was reading about myself… it was so validating)—and learned that some of the abuse I suffered by my mom as a kid made my risk for endo that much higher. I had just begun to re-establish communication with her; this (& finding out that she knew I suffered throughout my periods as a girl) blew all of that up.
I felt lied to, I was hurt. I carried anger like never before. As someone who was raised to not need mental health, to not take meds for those “white people problems,” I had to overcome a lot of shame and get on Prozac, which definitely saved my life.
I will never remember the day I was baking while dancing to music and realized I hadn’t done that in a year that the meds were working 😭❤️
Finally, on 5.22.24 my doctor operated on me with so much care and was able to excise the lesions in my body. My entire surgical team was full of so many badass, empathetic women. Recovery, however, was a bitch.
My nerves started acting up as a result of the trauma my body underwent in surgery. I was unable to do the smallest things. I had to lean on people like never before. I had to lean on my girlfriend, who thankfully was a nurse, I also had to lean on my nurse mom who I wasn’t sure I could ever trust. It tested the boundaries of how I define my strength and made me realize I am more resilient than I ever thought.
I say all of this for my fellow chronically ill girlies—for anyone dealing with the same. Trust yourself, believe in yourself.
You know what’s your normal and you know what isn’t.
I had to stop caring about hurting peoples feelings, and leaving doctors, and how that would make me look to others. Do not give up until you find healthcare providers who get you. Finding healthcare providers who got me and my needs saved my life.
Even if my story isn’t your story, because illnesses vary so much, know that you are so much more resilient than you think. Don’t let anyone tell you MS is a death sentence, it’s not. Or that you can’t be a parent if you have endo. I told myself if I could just find one person who was going through someone things similar, who reminded me of my dreams and ambitions and life goals, then I would be all right. I found way more than one. Authors, women working full-time in senior roles, friends of friends, family, moms—many of these identities intersecting—with these illnesses and more. It has been an amazing thing—a beautiful community to step into, full of much love and light.
You will adjust to this new normal. You will discover strength and bravery you never knew you had. You will successfully advocate for workplace accommodations I need (that younger me was too afraid to ask for in school). You’ll have bad days, but you will also fall madly in love with yourself… I felt like I was leveling up every time I succeeded, to the point where my losses only made me try harder, and it also helped that I redefined success in a way that wasn’t adhering me to norms I never fit into from birth.
Be angry, but don’t let the anger define you. I had to forgive my mom. Nor for her, for me. As my dad, who I found out never knew the abuse happened, reminded me, I have accomplished and overcome so much…don’t give anyone the power to dim my shine. Instead, I used my anger to figure out what it was trying to tell me. For example, I never believed in daily gratitude journaling, but after all this, I hit rock bottom, so I kept trying at it and finally it worked…gratitude grounded me when my pain rocked my world.
So yeah, more often than not I’m in pain. It’s not a question of that. Instead, I ask myself is it pain I can bear, is it greater than or different from what I’m used to. I’ve started paying more attention to what I eat and how certain foods affect me, I’ve let go of things and people 😝 that only add stress to my life, and I’ve picked up pilates, not because I don’t love my body—I do now—but to strengthen my core in ways that have really helped my endo recovery and also my 🍑 (so like, duh, Megan Thee Stallion was right 😂).
And, I gave one of my POV characters in WHERE SHADOWS MEET chronic pain, specifically resulting from MS (it was so fun to research what might’ve been some of the first cases and how they treated those people while also remembering that my book has angels and vampires and gods just out from a war with each other in it so I can make up what I want 🥰🤣) and there might be more to come and book two… Leyla carries my shame and my perceived weaknesses and has to work through it and comes out stronger as she does. I wrote the book I truly wanted my younger self and my thirtysometing self to read. I wrote the book only I could write.
I can’t wait for y’all to read this book ❤️
What I’m Reading & Watching
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While I was recovering from my surgery, I read A LOT. I caught up on Nisha J. Tuli’s series that starts with Trial of the Sun Queen. I’m three books in and it’s SO GOOD (& emotionally devastating). If you’re looking for your next favorite romantasy—especially one by a woman of color, read this NOW. Before the fourth (& final) book comes out this November!
ONE DARK WINDOW & TWO TWISTED CROWNS by Rachel Gillig.
Right before I left for my surgery, I sold at auction a client’s romantasy novel, centering tarot magic, and this series kept coming up on the editorial calls we had. Not because they were worried my client’s book felt too similar, but because it felt so fresh, while also pulling from a magic system that readers were looking to see more of in fantasy worlds. Can’t wait to scream at you about this client’s work, but for now, please read this duology. As a writer, working on my sequel in a duology, it was super helpful to see how she structured the multiple POVS and introduced new ones in the second book (as I’ll be doing as well!). And, as a reader, I had so much fun. Yes, the romance was great but also it was the love throughout the entire book, love of many different kinds that had me nearly in tears by the end.
Nalini Singh’s Psy-Changeling Series.
I. AM. OBSESSED. After I finished the other titles I mentioned, I was looking for something new that I’d love as much. Asked for recs, this one kept coming up. And, even though I’ve read SO MUCH paranormal, I’ve never read anything by her. Then I read and loved BRIDE by Ali Hazlewood (also recommend) and she was like, I couldn’t have done this without Nailini paving the way. I bought the first book immediately. Read it in a couple days. Got the second, and I’ve been switching between e and audio (if you subscribe to Audible, a lot of the series is free/included in your subscription) and it’s been such a delight!! I feel like I’m gong to catch up before the end of the year lol.
Abigail. I love vampires. Duh. Been wanting to watch this because some of the actors are my fav from other franchisees (like Scream!) and also because vampire ballerina girl locked-house horror just sounds too good to pass up. I’ll let you know what I think when I watch it this week / likely today as I’m decompressing from my infusion yesterday.
Finally, because ARCS are coming next month!!! I’m leaving you with the full ARC cover (interior and exterior cover design! ignore the copy + my bio, it’s not final, but will be on the printed arcs). Isn’t she beautiful. Also, look at the wonderful early praise. Yes, I gathered the courage (or, rather, my editor did) to ask Nisha J. Tuli to blurb my book after I fell absolutely in love with hers! She loved it! I screamed!! When hers and the others came in, these authors…I’m huge fans of their work. A dream come true!!!
I’m off to keep working on my sequel. Trying to get organized before this weekend, so that I can dive back into drafting, but with a stronger sense of what follows. In future newsletters, I’ll be showing y’all how I get organized to draft—as someone who was a panster but had to become a plotter because life be lifeing and so, time became even more limited.
…but not before I leave you with this fun video of a friend. I baked one of her favorite treats (& my girlfriend’s) strawberry cake (recipe brought to you by one of my favorites, Sally’s Baking Addiction) to celebrate her successful hysterectomy. We have the same gynecologist (I have referred her to everybody, all of my sisters now also have appointments to see her) and it brought her a lot of joy as well to see this video—health shit can be scary, but it’s nice when it ends how you want it to <3
Ask me any questions you have about anything on social or in the comments of this post, and I’ll answer those questions either online or in future newsletters!!
Patrice
Meet my new kitten, Lucy, who loves to “help me” workout. She was four weeks when I got her, she’s seven weeks now! She started out as a foster (local shelter was in need of fosters for “singleton” kitties) and lasted that way for about a day. Now I have three cats. My girlfriend who was not pro a new cat, told me three’s the limit and I proceeded to give examples of scenarios in which we’d obviously have to take a kitten in… like if we find one alone on the side of the road, of if one comes over one day and is hungry lol. Jokes on her, she’s obsessed with the cat now.
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