On starting over, again.
how i parted ways with my agent (again) and advocated for me
Hey, y’all. It’s Juneteenth. I’m craving a home cooked, southern meal but I’m too lazy to cook and I have leftovers so… that’s what I’m going to have. I do have a lovely glass of rosé. I’m off email for the day and through Wednesday, because it’s my youngest sister’s birthday so I’m taking off for much needed family time. Here in Texas, Juneteenth is a holiday, it marks when enslaved Black people here were freed. I’ve always tried to do a lot of self-reflection on this day.
For me, a lot has happened in the three months since I blogged here. Of course, there’s the obvious—we’re still in pandemic life and likely will be for some time, and there are some amazing protests against police brutality and pro-Black lives happening across the U.S. (& world). Personally, I’ve had a lot going on too. I got really depressed and was in denial about it. Luckily I have an amazing therapist who was like… you’re depressed and as soon as she said it I was like, ohhh… yeah… I am. It really boiled down to so much not happening the way I wanted things to this year (barely a book tour, most book events cancelled, most everything cancelled) and missing an emotional connection in that I’ve been so isolated and I want to hug my friends. So, I adopted a kitten. And then I adopted another one, because the first one was very lonely and had SO much energy and clearly needed a friend his age. (If you’re thinking about adopting a kitten, everyone who told me to adopt two was right, having two kittens is easier than one…they bond pretty darn fast, they play with each other, and they fall asleep together (& it’s so cute!)). Now I get woken up at 7:30 every morning to feed them and it’s amazing what having two kittens depend on you for their livelihood can do for your mental health.
this is them wondering why i have to work and can’t play all day lol.
So, mentally I’m not quite to my “old self” yet but I’m doing much better which is a massive relief.
When one part of my life isn’t going well I start to realize what’s not working in other parts of my life. I’ve been killing it as an agent—so many amazing moments and my clients are just the best, but then author life in terms of my relationship with my own agents wasn’t going so well. I think it was actually because of my rewarding relationships with my own clients that I realized I was missing the same. I basically felt like I’d been brushed off by my agents. Like I wasn’t a priority.
As an agent myself, it’s probably no surprise to say that I have clients who “bring in more money” than other clients. That client for me has a lot more projects ongoing so, yes, because of that sometimes they require more of my time. That doesn’t mean that I neglect my other clients. For one, these sorts of things change all the time. A client can decide they want to take a break and then they might “bring in less money” that year. A client’s career can blow up overnight (it never really happens overnight, there’s usually years of work and strategy involved, but you get what I mean). I give each of my clients the time they need from me. They deserve it, I’m honored they chose to work with me, and I love working with them. I don’t judge my clients based on the money they bring in because while their books might be products we sell, the authors themselves are people not products. I have clients whose books I haven’t yet sold. They’re just as deserving of my time.
Long story short, I felt like my agents didn’t value me. I felt like they saw themselves as my boss and not my partner in my own career. Some agents forget that they’re in business because of writers. They forget that it’s a partnership, that it’s us the writer agreeing to let them represent our career, not us the writer being grateful to be signed by them. I always tell friends to flip it, and that mindset (of agents working with you) doesn’t mean you get to be a diva but it does mean that you get to ask the questions you want, that get to have the transparency you want, and that if they’re not advocating for you then what’s their purpose. When my agents signed me, they were my second agents. My first agent and I parted ways pretty amicably because I didn’t feel we were on the same page editorially as well as some unresolved communication issues. When I queried again and then signed with my second agents, I had learned a lot. I was pretty upfront about how I wanted clear communication, about the projects I was working on etc. They didn’t sell A PHOENIX FIRST MUST BURN, but they offered to handle it for me as if they were the agent on record who sold it. Looking back at things, I think they were so excited for the novel I was working on that they said yes to everything else without truly being interested in those aspects of my career. Bit by bit, I felt I was constantly following up with them on things. And, finally, by the time I left, it became clear that they felt my anthologies weren’t the best use of my time. They felt I needed to be more focused on my novel, even though they were the ones who sold my second anthology.
It ended up working out for the best. I got the rights back from that anthology they sold, my new agent is amazing—we had the most honest conversation I’ve ever had with anyone whose offered to represent me—and she’s been handling things in the way I’ve always felt I deserved but never saw. Part of the reason for that very honest conversation was that I didn’t care by that point. As in, I was like well this is my third agent, I might as well be hella honest with her. I spoke in a straightforward manner about why I left my previous agents, I talked openly about my hopes and dreams, I talked about what I wasn’t comfortable doing, about how I didn’t just want to be pigeonholed as someone who talks about “diversity”, etc etc. Again, she’s also incredibly, refreshingly honest but she’s also kind in her honesty. When she says what she says, she says it with care, which is also something I felt was missing from my last agents.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, first, it’s cathartic as hell. We’re not explicitly told not to speak about these things, and yet we feel we can’t express ourselves honestly when things don’t go right.
After talking to some other people who left my agents, I realized I’m not alone in this and it wasn’t just me. But I in a rough mental state after leaving them. I literally called a friend and burst into tears as soon as he said hey. I felt like I had made the right decision for me but that that decision was going to delay the things I wanted out of my career.
When I was thinking of leaving them, I talked to several agent friends who I really appreciate because had they not been like, Patrice that’s not okay behavior I would’ve convinced myself to stay. So, you see, even though I’ve been an editor AND I’m now an agent, I still was talking myself into staying in a not great agent relationship. Why? Because somewhere along the line, I started feeling like I should be lucky to be with them, that they’ve done fantastic deals, why would I ever leave? I felt like, wow girl it’s your second agent and you work in this business, it’s going to look real bad like you’re a terrible judge of character if you leave another agent. And, honestly, it took me five years + a year or so of giving up to sign with my first agent…I was worried that my luck had ran out and that I would have to settle that the agent I felt I needed didn’t exist.
The thing is though, it was worth it. As in, parting ways with my most recent agents was totally worth it. Did it delay things because I had to mentally recalibrate and reach out to more agents, etc. Yes and no. Sure, it threw off the timeline I had in my head. But sometimes we have to let go of those timelines, we need to let go of our expectations and the stress we’re putting on ourselves. I needed to trust that I didn’t need to rush, that there was in fact no rush, that I needed to take care of myself I needed to get things things in order first. When I was with my last agents, I was honestly afraid of them. I didn’t want to disagree with them because I was worried they would drop me because prior conversations with them had left me feeling like I needed to shut up and listen more and by listen I just needed to do whatever they said. That delayed me, that blocked my creativity because I became a perfectionist, I agonized over every line and was terrified of letting them down. That’s not what an agent-author relationship should look like, that’s what a toxic relationship looks like. My first agent and I weren’t a good fit, but we also weren’t toxic, so I didn’t realize what was happening until I’d been with them for nearly a year and a half.
I have had this same conversation with friends who were thinking of leaving their agent. So many of us end up in these toxic relationships but are afraid to leave because of ostracism (which like never happens because unless you were actually in the wrong, no agent can block other agents from signing you), fear of starting over/that no one else will offer (they will and a bad agent is worse than no agent, trust me), telling ourselves it’s not as bad as we think when in actuality it’s likely worse. I see so many writers go through this and they feel alone. But the thing is, so many of us have gone through it, we just don’t speak about it publicly so then the cycle continues. I’m tired of caring about the feelings of those who didn’t support me when it was their job to. We have to be there for each other.
I’ve talked before about what to look for when querying agents (read this) and especially when considering offers. Basically, it boils down to you needing someone who can support your CAREER. Not one book, not someone who loves you for your potential but not where you are right now…your career includes your present and past and future. You need an agent who accepts, nourishes, and has a plan for all of that. A career isn’t made overnight therefore a good agent can’t just be there when they choose—when things are going great for you.
Take care of yourself. Advocate for yourself and your friends.
Don’t take less than what you deserve.
This is your career.
A good agent is supposed to help shape your career. A good agent is supposed to guide your vision of your own career, not dictate what they expect/want. They’re supposed to have your back, they’re supposed to make sure you’re supported by your publisher in the way you deserve and, if you’re not, you need to be able to have honest conversations with them about that. If you can’t, it’s not worth your time. Try to work things out first, but ultimately it’s your career. Don’t forget that.
Happy Juneteenth, y’all.
For those who don’t know, I’m @whimsicallyours on Twitter. Always happy to talk more about this stuff there <3
No recipes this time, not because I’m not baking but because a friend and I are working on something baking related and I promise you it will have so many recipes and good yummy things to make. More soon <3
Book Recs!
Where do I even begin!? Okay, a few links.
First, three #BlackGirlMagic YA books came out on the same day at the beginning of this month and all hit various bestseller lists!!!
2) THE YEAR OF THE WITCHING by Alexis Henderson (July 21st) & CINDERELLA IS DEAD by Kalynn Bayron (July 7th). I love these two #BlackGirlMagic books so much. And, luckily for you, they’re out very soon. Go get ‘em. (please note that WITCHING is adult and CINDERELLA is YA, and yes the differences do matter)
3) PARTY OF TWO by Jasmine Guillory. I love Jasmine’s books, but this one took the cake (also omg so many perfect scenes with cake and fries and wine *heart eyes*). Out next week! https://www.jasmineguillory.com/party-of-two
4) It’s Juneteenth Book Festival! You can watch the panels here: And buy our/the panelists books here: https://bookshop.org/lists/juneteenth-book-fest-2020-shop
Take care! More (sleeping!) kittens!
(yes, they have cat beds…and yes, they prefer sleeping under my desk, by my feet)
Patrice
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I find this very comforting and informative as I get ready to query. Congrats on the kittens! Cats are the best.