On (not) writing when it's hard
and also books, I recommend lots of books. A really great cookie recipe, too.
As many of you know, my first book, A Phoenix First Must Burn, came out a week ago. It has four amazing starred reviews. To be honest, all of the professional reviews are great and I couldn’t be prouder of and happier for myself and all the contributors. If you’re wanting to buy a copy, I made a Twitter thread of independent bookstores where I cancelled events as a result of covid-19 as well as ones I did events at that have signed stock as (if we can) it’s really important to support our indies right now. It’s a really weird time to have launched a book. I’ll admit that my emotions have been going from joy to deep sadness/borderline depression because everything just feels so uncertain and it really sucks not being able to control everything and to have all these plans suddenly cancelled. But I am financially stable and incredibly grateful for that. I was sitting here just trying to work through some stuff, doing some things for my UK publisher (as that edition is out tomorrow!) and even though it’s not the end of the month, I wanted to write some things down, to share some words in case they resonate with any of you <3
As a writer in a crisis my natural inclination is to tell stories. Stories to myself about how everything will be alright, to my little sister who is ten and doesn’t really understand what’s happening & why she’s not going to school, and stories in general as that’s part of how I make my livelihood. Stories are how I cope, stories are how I escape.
For a while, the words flowed. I saw all the tweets about people’s lack of productivity and yet wasn’t experiencing the same. I was writing. Everything was fine. Everything was going to be fine. I turned in part of my revision to my agents. I felt elated and good. And then it hit me that my book came out just a few days ago and instead of being at an event for my tour I was at home, in a t-shirt and shorts, badly needing to shower, with nothing else to do. Okay fine, I had work to do. But I didn’t want to do it. That’s not true, I love my job. I couldn’t do my work. I opened my laptop, I opened my inbox, and it was like I was on autopilot replying to people, not really remembering what I was saying, I was working but I wasn’t actively working…I wasn’t active at all.
I was going through the motions, but only barely. I was numb and my body was trying to cope and my brain couldn’t process everything at once. I went to the grocery store. There wasn’t toilet paper. That was fine. I just needed some sugar and flour to bake. But then there wasn’t that either. I stopped myself from having a mental breakdown in the middle of the grocery aisle. I bought really fancy chocolate chips. And then I bought a lot of other stuff. Too much stuff. I don’t know why. I think I was trying to cope.
A few days alter… a couple? What is time anymore. I went back to my laptop. I was going to write. I had to write. Writing. Telling stories would make everything better. But I couldn’t the words wouldn’t come. I didn’t even open my laptop. I tried again the next day. I didn’t even try. I didn’t bother to open my laptop, I just berated myself for not doing enough, for not trying hard enough. I said, your life is fine, you always work at home. Do your work, it’s going to be fine. But my mom is an ER nurse at a hospital that does testing at a hospital that’s dealing with a lot of this in the area but she can’t even get tested because she’s not yet showing symptoms… yet and my grandparents are majorly immunocompromised and—
And then I woke up this morning, again asking myself why I wasn’t writing. Why I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing to get through a bad situation to cope. Then it hit me, this isn’t a bad situation. My parents didn’t get divorced, I didn’t lose my job, I didn’t get dumped, I didn’t fail to sell a client’s book, I didn’t have $5 in my bank account with a while to go before I got paid, I didn’t have to move back home because I’d quit my job and needed to start over and had no idea what to do. All things that have happened to me. All things I’ve overcome. All things I’ve worked through—I’ve written through. This is something I’ve never experienced. This is something most of us have never experienced.
If you’re able to write through this, that is amazing, hold onto that. If you’re not, if the words just won’t come, forgive yourself immediately. Tell yourself that it’s going to be fine, that people will understand because they will because I bet your book is the least of their concerns and that’s not a bad thing it’s just the truth. Tell yourself that just because you can’t write now doesn’t mean you can’t write at all. In two weeks, the words may come to you. It could also take two months. Now, more than ever, we need to be kind to ourselves. We need to allow ourselves to take breaks, if we can, we need to accept that writing may not come easy. Books are really important, yes. People will always need stories, yes. But that doesn’t mean that you have to create right now, that you have to write. Some of our lives are a mess. Most are now different and completely interrupted.
I keep seeing people tell others online that this is the time to be productive, that this is the time to create your best work, but guess what, they’re fucking wrong. Sure, some people are going to create something amazing during this time. There are exceptions to everything. But please know that existing, that thriving, in times like this is amazing. Staying sane takes a lot of work. I know. Keeping up a routine takes a lot of work. Routine can mask a lot. When I left my job as an editor in December 2018, I really struggled to write and then I got diagnosed with ADHD. Turns out my office routine had hidden what was high functioning ADHD (that quickly became not functioning at all hence how I noticed something was wrong). I’m obvi not a medical professional, but I do know that this is when mental health issues flare the most. I’ve lived it before and am living it now. It is way more important that you take care of your health, your family, and stay okay in this time. Ask for that extension, now is the time. And if you can’t, if you need the money that turning in a book will bring, if you need the routine that working on a book will give, be kind to yourself. Word by word, minute by minute is how things get done. Set a timer. Work for twenty or thirty minutes. Jog around your place. Call a friend. Celebrate any joys with others. Then set the timer again and get back to work.
Please don’t suffer alone. I know how it feels to feel like you’re the one holding everything and everyone together. Please reach out to someone, please talk to someone. We need each other now more than ever. On the flip side, also recognize we’re all going through a lot and be a lot more gentle and patient with each other.
Writing can wait. It’s not a skill that goes away. I know because I stopped writing for over a year while in my first year as an editor when it was just too hard to do both. It will be there. Your passion, your creativity, your drive. Give yourself the time you need. Be kind to yourself. Your stories do not expire, your stories will wait.
Okay some books to read. A lot of books.
Wednesday Books has allowed (for 72 hours, I think) several of their forthcoming titles to be available to be auto-approved on NetGalley…highly suggest checking them out. Where Dreams Descend by Janella Angeles is fantastic, and then I just got Lobizona Romina Garber, which I’m very excited for. I recently finished Undercover Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams and it was great (a bit heavier than most romance novels I’ve read as it deals with/centers sexual assault) but very good. Also, The Madness of Lord Ian Mackenzie… historical romance, so good. The main guy is autistic and the main girl is my fav. I, of course, recommend my own book, especially because it’s a short story collection which means you can easily start/stop as need be. Ashley Woodfolk’s When You Were Everything is fantastic—really cathartic story tracing a friendship breakup and the aftermath. Pre-order Ghost Squad by Claribel Ortega. I worked on it during my editorial days, it’s delightful. If you want an immersive fantasy, Tasha Suri’s books are great if you want more romance and Fonda Lee’s are great for more the best fight scenes + if you love fantasy with a large cast (she also has a fantastic YA sci-fi series as well with zero gravity fight scenes!!). Uprooted by Naomi Novik. Can’t recommend enough. If your kids needs some fun reads, I love the Bad Guys series, the Princess in Black series, Sanity and Tallulah series, Spy School series, the Kiranmala/Serpent’s Secret series by Sayantani DasGupta (I acquired it, so trust me on this one!!), Tristan Strong Punches a Hole in the Sky by Kwame Mbalia, Sal and Gabi Break the Universe by Carlos Hernandez…they’re probably read Rick Riordan but do they know there are also graphic novel versions of Rick’s novels? Also, Wings of Fire series (prose novels + graphic novel adaptation). Something romantic but with lots of heart/finding yourself: American Panda by Gloria Chao and Don’t Date Rosa Santos by Nina Moreno. A great urban fantasy series: Chicagoland Vampires + spin-off series, Heirs of Chicagoland by Chloe Neill. More vampires? Fake Blood by Whitney Gardner, Vampire Academy, Dracula (seriously, it’s very good!), the first ten or so Anita Blake books, The Coldest Girl in Coldtown by Holly Black. Something very queer? If you love fantasy, Crier’s War by Nina Varela and Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh and The Midnight Lie by Marie Rutkoski…if you love sci-fi, Proxy by Alex London and The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling… if contemporary Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera and Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston and Darius the Great is Not Okay by Adib Khorram and Running with Lions by Julian Winters. A sexy romance series, Beautiful Player series by Christina Lauren (my fav is Beautiful Secret!). Sarah McLean’s Bareknuckle Bastards and Tessa Dare’s Girl Meets Duke seres are also delightful and sexy. The Wedding Party is pure enemies-to-lovers fun, but you should start with The Wedding Date to get the full fun (stand alone novels, interconnected characters). Also, Take the Lead by Alexis Daria, which has major Dancing with the Stars vibes. Some creepy/horror? anything by Victor LaValle and Danielle Vega and Tiffany Jackson as well as This is Not a Test by Courtney Summers and His Hideous Heart (Poe retelling anthology) edited by Dahlia Adler. Something humorous + friendship: When We Were Magic by Sarah Gailey (highly rec their adult “magic school” book Magic for Liars as well). Want to cry? (we all need a good cry) History is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera and The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller (with both you know from the beginning it’s gonna be sad, which also allows for you to properly sit back and enjoy your feels…there are many romantic and humorous moments as well).
Bake this cookie :D
Jasmine Guillory recommended this chocolate chip cookie recipe in her newsletter. I recently tried it. It’s so damn good.
Be safe. Take care of yourself and look out for others <3